RadKid.Org Blog

Recently, we took steps to replace our old directory with the RadKid.Org Directory, which permits site owners to add their own listings, and allows anyone to bid on placement for these listings. In other words, anyone can support a site that they particularly enjoy by bidding as little as a dollar to increase its placement or ranking within the directory.

This directory was necessary because I did not have the time to maintain our old directory and, because of that, many of the links and some of the information was outdated. In some cases, site owners became upset with me because I was unable to make the changes that they requested as quickly as they had hoped. New site owners were sometimes impatient with the amount of time that it took me to add their sites.

While this may still occur with the new directory, it permits site owners to add their own sites for a nominal fee of one dollar, or to bid more for higher ranking within the directory. Anyone unwilling to pay even this small amount will have to wait for me to find the time to add their site, leaving me with nothing to feel bad about.

Additionally, any funds received through the bid process will help to compensate us for our server costs and other expenses. If people should ever begin bidding on placement, we may even receive some compensation for our time, although I’m not holding my breath on that one.

Still, this left one problem. In my old directory, I was able to include, not only web sites, but names and contact information for attachment therapists who did not have a web presence, thereby increasing the likelihood that visitors would be able to find someone near them, as many good attachment therapists have not created web sites for themselves.

In an attempt to alleviate this problem in the new directory, I have created a directory of attachment therapists using MediaWiki software, which will permit any attachment therapist to create his or her own listing in the directory without any cost to them, or to edit pages created by others.

This creates a page that can be linked to from the RadKid.Org Directory.

Every attachment therapist is encouraged to create a listing for themselves in the AT Directory. This listing can range from one small page giving giving little more than contact information to multiple pages describing their practice, and even including photographs. Attachment therapists who already have a web site can use this space to link to their own site, thus increasing their visibility on the Internet, while those without a web site can use this in lieu of one, at least to some extent.

If you know of an attachment therapist who is not listed here, you can easily create a listing for that therapist, offering as much or as little information as you have available.

Once a therapist has created an account for herself, she can take control of her own listing, at which point we can close that listing to editing by the public, thus permitting the therapist to limit the amount of information she wishes to include.

Additionally, listings included in the AT Directory will be linked to from the RadKid.Org Directory unless a more comprehensive site is listed there. Generally, when a therapist is employed by an agency or attachment center, we will list the agency or center site in the RadKid.Org Directory. A listing in the AT Directory permits the therapist to have an additional listing, one that they can edit and “take with them” if they should change agencies, this permitting patients to find them if their employment changes.

This also serves to make the RadKid.Org Directory a more comprehensive listing of attachment resources, which is its chief purpose.

– ken

Although the RadKid.Org Directory, in its own subdomain, has been around for about a year, I’ve been hesitant to recommend it since there really wasn’t much there. However, over the past several weeks I have built it up considerably, to the point where I have every reason to believe that it is the most comprehensive directory of reactive attachment disorder sites available.

At this point, every site has been added to the directory at no charge so you might want to consider that I threw in the minimum one dollar listing charge, at the same level that I added my own sites.

Website owners

Any web site relating to reactive attachment disorder, attachment therapy, attachment parenting, or other emotional or mental health issues relating to children will be added to the directory for free by sending me an email or by completing our web form. We have a place in our directory for traditional parenting sites as well, although our focus is on reactive attachment disorder.

Or, you can add your own site for a minimum bid of one dollar, with any additional dollars serving to place your site ahead of others in the listing, according to who bid the most.

Attachment therapists

If you are an attachment therapist, but do not currently have a web site of your own, we will create a one-page, no-frills, site for you and host it on the RadKid.Org domain, and we’ll do that at no charge. In order to be included in the new RadKid.Org Directory, you will need to have a web site but we can make that as painless as possible.

Send me however much information you’d like to have included in a web page and we’ll put it online for you. This might include details about your practice, such as your focus, philosophy, qualifications, and other information, but certainly address and contact details.

Send me the information by emailing me at ken@radkid.org or complete the form on our RadKid.Org site.

If you would like something more, please navigate to Laisha.com, which is my wife’s business, a large part of which is creating web sites. I’m sure that she can come up with something nice for you, which might include referring you to a dependable and cost-effective hosting plan.

However, if you are interested only in the free page, contact me about that, and I’ll provide you with further details.

Directory ranking

At this point, every site in the directory is listed at the base one-dollar rate, and the order of ranking is according to the order in which they were added to the directory.

I encourage you to take control of your own listing by bidding additional dollars on your listing, as this will not only place your site ahead of others on the list but will give you additional control over your listing, as far as modifying the description and making changes to it, as long as they are in accordance with our terms of service.

Additionally, you can list deeplinks featuring other pages of your site.

We’re not looking to make money out of this, but we would like to recoup our hosting charges, the cost of the software, and other expenses. I’d rather avoid advertising on the site, so this is the only way in which we can do this.

– ken

While reviewing Leigh Ann’s Horses for Attachment yesterday, I had intended to go more into depth about equine therapy, and particularly its use in the treatment of attachment issues. However, I was pushed for time, which is another way of saying that I’m married and can no longer make decisions for myself. There’s a downside to everything, I suppose.

I first became aware of equine therapy as a treatment for attachment issues when one of our nephew’s social workers, whose last name I can no longer recall but whose first name was Jill, went into business for herself, setting up an equestrian treatment program as a component in the treatment of a variety of issues, including RAD. I’ve moved a couple of times since then, and was unable to locate the advertising flyers she left with me, and couldn’t find her program online, or I’d have reviewed her program instead, being familiar with its founder.

While it appears to be an excellent program, Leigh Ann’s Horses for Attachment was not the first such program, and is certainly not the only one. Terena Thomas, daughter of Nancy Thomas, founded a program by the name of Hooves for the Heart in 1988, and continues to operate the program in Eagle, Colorado. Terena is a co-author of Dandelion on My Pillow, Butcher Knife Beneath, which she wrote with her mother and sister, Beth Thomas. She also authored a complete manual for her equine therapy program, the research leading up to it, teaching tools, and three DVDs to guide someone interested in setting up a similar program. Entitled It’s Not Just Horsing Around with Defiant Kids!, it is no longer available on Amazon.com but can be purchased through Nancy Thomas’ site. This program, I believe, served as the basis for Leigh Ann’s Horses for Attachment, which doesn’t take anything from either program.

Additional information can be obtained from the Equine Facilitated Mental Health Association (EFMHA, itself a section of the North American Riding for the Handicapped Association, Inc. (NARHA), which has provided equine assisted activity and therapy (EAAT) programs in the United States and Canada through its network of nearly eight hundred member centers.

If you were to Google “equine therapy” you’d find several similar programs throughout the country. To limit the results to those used in conjunction with attachment therapy, you might want to Google “equine therapy” + “attachment” .

– ken

From time to time, I will be featuring a program, center, camp, book, or individual therapist specializing in reactive attachment disorder or attachment therapy. Sometimes, this will be something that I am personally familiar with; while at other times, my review will be based upon information received or otherwise available, perhaps from a web site.

Today, I will be featuring two programs since they are administered by the same people. I am not personally familiar with either Camp for Broken Hearts or Leigh Ann’s Horses for Attachment, although I am somewhat familiar with the use of equine therapy in the treatment of reactive attachment disorder.

Camp for Broken Hearts

Operated by Frances Taylor (Director) and Christie Fisk (Co-Director), the last camp session was held at Camp Overton in Rock Island, Tennessee from October 12th through October 17, 2008. However, their web site indicates that they have purchased land in Woodbury, where they plan to construct a new, and presumably permanent, camp site.

Camp for Broken Hearts is designed specifically for families who are raising children suffering from reactive attachment disorder, not so much as  a treatment facility but as a place where parents won’t be solely responsible for their child’s behavior. When a child acts out, he or she will be removed by the camp’s trained staff, permitting the parents to continue on with whatever activity was in progress. The child’s consequences, then, will be the child’s consequences rather than the parent’s. Families will be able to relax and have fun, with support available for both parents and children.

Unlike other camps, children will remain with the parents rather than socializing with other children, since the more the children play together, the less they are trusting and bonding with the parent.

Camp for Broken Hearts hopes to provide an environment that encourages families to make memories together while enjoying the support of trained staff and other parents who share many of the same struggles.

The 2008 session cost $1,000 for a family of two, with an additional $250 for each additional person.  Their web site can be reached at www.campbrokenhearts.org.

Leigh Ann’s Horses for Attachment

Equine therapy has been shown to be helpful as a component of attachment therapy. Leigh Ann’s Horses for Attachment is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization, located in Tennessee, and offering a therapeutic riding program useful in the treatment of reactive attachment disorder and other attachment issues, as well as a variety of other problems including:

• Autism
• Depression
• ADD /ADHD
• Bipolar Disorder
• Tourette Syndrome
• Sexual Misconduct
• Asperger Syndrome
• Self Esteem Problems
• Conduct Disorders (OCD)
• Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)
• Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Each course is tailored to the special needs of the child, intended to provide increased self esteem, enhanced body awareness, better balance, longer attention span, improved listening skills, improvement in self control, enhanced sensory integration, joyful memories, and fun.

LAHA owns several therapeutic horses, with others in training, and accepts donations of horses so long as they meet the criteria for the program. The criteria are available on the LAHA web site, as well as a downloadable contribution form. Donations to the organizations of money or horses are tax deductible.

Leigh Ann’s Horses for Attachment is located in Woodbury, Tennessee. Their web site can be found at www.leighannshorses.org/.

– ken

Hello Ken,

I have a friend who has an almost 5 year-old daughter they adopted as a 6 week-old. She has become very difficult (putting it mildly) recently. They were always aware that there was a problem but were not sure what it was. A therapist recently diagnosed RAD. Problem is she has now been kicked out of two preschools because of bad behavior and is on her way to seriously injuring someone. She does not do this at home with her mother, though. She just acts horribly, but not violent. At home, she constantly has accidents in her pants even though she knows how to use the bathroom. Preschool is the worst. I am totally out of my element and do not know what to do to help.

My friend doesn’t want to believe she has RAD since she does not act out on the weekends. She may not bash anyone on the weekends, but it is never NEVER pleasant. Now my friend is not an overly affectionate person. She has a 9 year-old son who this is taking a toll on as well, and they are considering giving the little girl up or my friend is going to leave. Any ideas would be much appreciated.

Thank you,

Jamie Rocke

Jamie, while the majority of the real work is done at home, where the child can be expected to spend the bulk of her time, attachment therapy is an important component. You see, a good attachment therapist will work with the parents as well as the child. While I am aware that there are parents who are trying to go it on their own, utilizing attachment parenting methods they may have read in a book or online, but without utilizing a trained attachment therapist, there are a number of reasons why I don’t recommend this.

First of all, these kids are generally far better at frustrating their parents, to say it mildly, than the parents are at controlling the situation. Without the guidance of an attachment therapist, who might also serve as an educated but objective sounding board, it’s far too easy for a parent to go far afield, placing both parent and child at risk. Attachment therapy and attachment parenting are intended to work together, and I don’t know that any one of them is of much use by itself.

As this person is a friend, you have to realize that you don’t really have any power in this situation beyond encouragment and recommendations. You say that a therapist has diagnosed reactive attachment disorder. Is the girl receiving attachment therapy from an attachment therapist then? If so, then I would have to suggest that the therapist is in a much better position to make recommendations than I am, being not only qualified to do so but closer to the situation, as well. If not, then my strongest suggestion to your friend is that she seek assistance from a qualified attachment therapist, who should be able to guide the family in attachment parenting as well.

Nothing you have said would lead me to question the diagnosis of reactive attachment disorder, as these are all fairly common characteristics of the disorder. Being less than five years of age, her chances of recovery should be high if she receives appropriate therapy, followed up by attachment parenting at home. If the family is unwilling to avail themselves of appropriate therapy, then I don’t know that there is anything that I can suggest that would truly help.

One thing that concerns me is that you say that your friend is not an overly affectionate person. Would this describe her as a whole, or is this a description of her feelings toward her adopted daughter? If the latter, I can fully appreciate that it might be difficult to show affection toward a child who shows only hatred in return. But that too, is something that a qualified attachment therapist might be able to assist with. It is important that a parent be able, not only show but to feel affection for the child with reactive attachment disorder. It helped for me to think of the hateful things as the disorder, while loving the child whom I was trying to reach beneath it all.

If your friend is capable of affection, then she is capable of feeling affection for her adopted daughter. However, if she is incapable of affection, then she has something in common with her daughter. I trust that’s not the case.

I am pleased that you recognize the concern for the older brother, as far too often siblings are forgotten as the child with reactive attachment disorder demands the attention of everyone involved. It is absolutely necessary for time to be set aside for the siblings as well.

Suggest to your friend that she join the online support forum hosted by Delphiforums. There are a lot of people there with a variety of experiences and levels of expertise, some of whom may be able to be of help to her. While Delphiforums does have a paid membership option, people are able to register and participate for free. Payment removes the advertising from the site, and offers some additional benefit, but it is not required. In fact, I always suggest that if someone is going to sign up for a paid membership, they do so by using the “UPGRADE THROUGH THIS FORUM” link near the bottom of the forum page, as this helps to pay some of the costs of operating the forum.

I wish that I had more to offer, but that’s about it, I’m afraid.

– ken

Dear Ken,

1. Did you openly read books about RAD, and do computer research about RAD, in front of the boy? Did he realize you were gearing up to work “from a stategy”, to help him?

2. Does the Daniel Hughes method rely on one person (a mother-figure ) to provide the main interaction? Does this person have to be a stay-at-home woman? Currently, the boy lives with an older man and wife, and a younger mom-figure, whom he gravitates to, but who works at a job. If regular school does not work out this fall, he may be at home, with the older woman (she is helpful and available, but no real healing bond). The household is trying to act “as One”, but they are currently using traditional parenting methods. If we are successful to get the household to do RAD-parenting, then the “one” mother-figure person would take on more importance, it sounds like.

3.  How is a the RADkid kept “under control” at school? With a RAD-trained teacher? Is there such a thing? Hopefully,he would be in Special Ed, a “Person of Concern”, but, if I understand it right, many teachers have not heard of RAD. Have you ever watched the 3-hour video by Nancy Thomas,”Captive in the Classroom”? It is suggested that the video is supposed to be given to the Special Ed teacher by the parents? Would this help keep the RADkid in line for 6 hours?  Vickie, Seattle

Our nephew was twelve when he came to live with us, and had developed a very good public face. For that reason, those who did not know him well didn’t know that he was disordered. Some parents wished that their children would be as nice as he was. That’s not surprising. Although we later learned of a few things that we had been unaware of at the time, his first month with us was very pleasant.

Once diagnosed, at first we tried to keep it from him. Of course, anyone who has ever spent any time with a child with reactive attachment disorder soon learns that it’s very difficult to keep anything from them. He walked into the room while I was working on the web site one day. I switched to another screen but he asked, “What’s radioactive attachment disorder?”

Since one of our main objectives in parenting him was to develop trust, I couldn’t find my way to lying to him about it. I explained it to him, and he listened carefully. I told him, of course, that it was reactive attachment disorder, and that this was what his psychologist thought that he had, explaining that none of it was his fault. The conversation actually led to some worthwhile discussion about emotion, and his chief concern was that we were going to tell everyone about it.

My response was that it wasn’t anyone else’s business unless he made it so, that we wouldn’t discuss it with anyone else unless we felt that we had to do so in order to protect ourselves. Explaining to him that his desire to make us look bad to everyone else was actually a part of the disorder, and that if he put us into a position where we felt that we had to discuss his diagnosis with someone in order to prevent them from believing that we were awful parents, then we would do so, but this was something that he could control.

During the one semester that he spent in public school, we did have reason to discuss his diagnosis with the school counselor and one of his teachers, but I can’t say that either one of them made a large effort to understand it. We also discussed it with our pastor, and later with the director of the Christian school that we enrolled him in during his junior year of high school. Other than that, we kept quiet about it, knowing that in the small town in which we lived, it wasn’t necessarily to anyone’s benefit for him be assigned a label.

After discussing it with his therapist, we agreed that there was no harm in letting him in on the secret. We let him have access to some of the attachment books that we had, hiding only the ones that spoke of the possibility that they would grow up to be serial killers, not wanting to give him any ideas that he may not have already had. In fact, I seeded my library with books that I wanted him to read, knowing that if I had simply asked him to read them, he wouldn’t. More than a few of them made their way to his room, so it worked.

As for school, that didn’t work out very well. A full week of attachment parenting could be undone in one day of public school, as he was being rewarded for all of the wrong behaviors. Plus, he wasn’t turning in his work, completing tests, or doing much of anything productive. After that first semester, we pulled him from public school and homeschooled him for a few years, which was much easier, less time-consuming, and far more productive. This, of course, would not be the case with every child or in every family; and we did find that it was better if I taught him rather than my wife, since she was the one that he most wanted to displease.

I have seen the Nancy Thomas video, but I don’t think that anyone at his public school would have taken the time to watch it. It’s an excellent video, though.

As for your question about attachment therapy and Dr. Hughes, our attachment therapist had trained under him and was in communication with him. We met with him a couple of times, but he was not our primary therapist. Most of the sessions involved my wife, who was the mother in his life, and my nephew, although I was present for most of the attachment sessions as well. A couple of times, she met with just my wife and my nephew, and once with just myself and him, but the majority of the bonding effort was between my nephew and my wife.

We learned that we could rate the value of his therapy sessions by his reactions later on. When some real work was being done in therapy, he would rage later, sometimes even before we got home. We came to recognize that as a good thing, realizing that one-step forward and two-steps back was still a step forward, and since he had made that step once, he knew that he could go there again without anything tragic happening.

We also learned that it does no good whatsoever to kick yourself over anything that might have been said or done in the past. We tried to be consistent and in control, but there were times when we couldn’t withstand the onslaught and might say something that wasn’t exactly helpful. Parents are neither superhuman or perfect. I had no trouble apologizing to my nephew, telling him that I had said things to him that I shouldn’t have said, and that I had done so because I was angry. Since he knew full well that he was trying to make me angry and was well aware of his success, my apology actually served to take some of the power back.

One trap that we had walked into, for the sake of consistency, was the idea that once we made a decision we would have to stick with it even if we realized that we had done so in anger, and could see that it wasn’t having a desirable effect. We grounded our nephew to his room for a month one time after he kept escalating whatever it was that he was doing wrong at the time, and then believed that we had to stick with it since we had told him that he was going to be confined to his room for a month. Since we lived in what had once been a three-unit apartment, his “room” included a bedroom, dining room, and full bathroom, so it wasn’t quite as bad as it sounded. Still, it was more of a punishment for us than it was to him.

We later determined that consistency meant that we were in control, and that meant that we were free to change things when they weren’t working out. Still later, we realized that it was best if we didn’t assign a consequence until we were no longer angry about the action that precipitated it.

Although I haven’t read this in any of the books, one thing that we kept trying to do was to treat him like a normal kid as long as he was acting like a normal kid, so that we could enjoy the times when he was doing this, and in the hopes that he would realize that whenever he was tired of attachment parenting, he could simply quit acting like someone who was in need of it. I don’t know that this is a therapeutically useful model to follow, but it did allow us to have some good times and gave us a basis upon which to judge the progress that he was making.

I believe that it was useful for us, but that it may not be for everyone.

– ken

While it is still far from complete, the RadKid.Org Directory has been expanded considerably and should be considered a resource for people seeking an attachment therapist, training for parents or therapists, or simply for information about reactive attachment disorder.

– ken

We are foster parents and currently have a 20-month-old little girl, who came to us at 9 months old. When she came, she had already been diagnosed with Failure to Thrive. Her siblings had been sexually molested, and her hymen was not broken, but in a cresten shape indicating stretching. When she came, she bonded with us quickly and we have been her only home. She has two four-hour visits with her birth mom and siblings once a week, and at these visits she will not eat for the mother, but will go up to 6-7 hours without food. As soon as she sees either myself or my husband, she begins to cry that she is hungry. Could this mean anything?

Also, the next court date is in January for this little one. If they would send her home, would she be at risk for any type of emotional mental disorder being taken away from the family that has provided her care and love for so long? Could her being replaced back into the birth mother’s care cause her to have an attachment issue. We are concerned that she will feel like we have abandoned her. We love and care for her, and we only want the best. We are unsure if she should be placed in therapy prior to going home to help with her feelings. Please help us with your guidance.

Thank you, Janette

Janette, sometimes I just have to admit that I don’t have all of the answers. From your description, it would seem that your foster daughter has attached to yourself and your husband. At her age, the signs and symptoms may be more subtle than at an older age, but an infant checklist prepared by Dr. Walter Buenning is available on my web site. While not diagnostic, it might give you an idea.

If the home provided by her birth mother is as you describe it, certainly that would be harmful. However, one of the heartbreaking realities of being a foster parent is that so much of this is beyond your control. I know what it feels like, as I was a foster parent for many years. Sometimes it seems so wrong to take a child from somewhere where she is safe to place her back into an environment which has proven to be so dangerous to her in the past, but those decisions are made by other people. Unless things have changed significantly since I was licensed as a foster parent, beyond communicating your concerns to those who have the power, that decision is out of your hands.

There are rewards to being a foster parent certainly, but it can also be painful. I truly wish I had a better answer.

– ken

I came on to the Radkid website. I have taken in my sister’s almost 17 y/o daughter. She and my sister did not get along; she was one of five kids my sister adopted eleven years ago. In retrospect, I think my sister gave up. She has not called this child in four months and has not sent one dime of support. But, neither has she given me guardianship. When my sister was telling me some of Hannah’s problems, she mentioned RAD but did not go in to detail. Things were good all summer, but now that school is back in session things are really falling apart. I thought that by taking her into a loving home, it would help. We live in a small rural community, and the schools are smaller. Hannah has been in a lot of different schools, and my sister even shipped her off to a school in Kentucky. Right now she is boy crazy beyond normal hormones – is this part of RAD? She is also ADHD and bi-polar. I guess I really didnt know what I was getting into. Where do I get education on all these things? I know my sisters methods of discipline was losing it, resulting in physical abuse.

Hannah seems fine until you don’t do what she wants. I have recently taken away a cell phone I should not have given her. I had been treating her as a normal teen, but the priviledge was abused. Please tell me where to get some information. Last night, Hannah threatened to go back her mom’s and the sad thing is her mom doesn’t want her and I have no authority. Doesn’t my sister have some parental and financial responsibility for her child?

Thank you for listening.

Fae

Fae, I almost hate to tell you this but everything you have described is typical of a teenager with reactive attachment disorder, a time when the normal stresses of being a teenager are greatly exaggerated by the disorder, and the signs and symptoms of the disorder itself are amplified due to rampaging hormones and everything else that comes with being a teenager.

Unfortunately, there isn’t much that you can do. At the age of seventeen, your niece is nearly an adult and, particularly without legal guardianship, your influence might be minimal, and limited to her understanding of what she might need to comply with in order to have a place to live. Our situation was similar, except that we took our nephew in at the age of twelve, and before puberty set in. That made all the difference in the world, though.

We understood that he had some problems and that he had been in therapy for much of his life, the problem being that his mother (who in all likelihood had some attachment issues herself) moved from one therapist to another, refusing to remain with anyone who made her uncomfortable in any way. Thus, he had been diagnosed with some of the associated problems that came with reactive attachment disorder, such as ADHD, but not with the attachment disorder itself, which was at the core of his difficulties.

That first summer that your niece was with you is what we refer to as the honeymoon period. Because she did not look upon you as a parent during that time, and because you weren’t demanding much of her, she no doubt turned on the charm and things were good. Even then, I bet there were some signs that you can look back on now, with the benefit of hindsight.

Driving to Maine after picking my nephew up in Washington State, he would insist on giving directions despite the fact that he was being driven across the northern part of the country for the first time in his life, had never been in Maine, and didn’t have the map. Nevertheless, he would treat me as if I were an idiot for not following his directions. I picked him up on his twelfth birthday.

Otherwise, he seemed overly affectionate, given that he had met me only once before, being my wife’s nephew and we had been married for just over a year, but he was pretty easy to get along with until he started school in Maine. For us (and this would not be true for everyone or with every child), we found it far easier and more productive to homeschool him, and took him out of public school after the first semester.

I don’t know your sister so I can’t really come to her defense, but I feel compelled to make a few comments nevertheless. As you have learned in a short time, it is very difficult to raise a child with reactive attachment disorder and, one fact that attachment people don’t like to talk about, some of them don’t heal even with appropriate therapy, and most will continue to be plagued by residual effects of their disorder, given that we are all the product of what we were before, at least to some extent. Sometimes the best that we can hope for is that they will be able to go on to live a productive life. That’s not entirely true of course, because certainly we should hope for more, and realize that some of them will achieve it.

When someone adopts a child, they are generally looking for a recipricol relationship, and this is reasonable. By offering to give love to a child who does not have it, adopted parents have every reason to expect that love will be returned in kind. With ones own children, it often works out that way. With adopted children, it sometimes works out that way, but not always. Having adopted your niece at the age of five or six, your sister has nothing whatsoever to do with her attachment disorder. That harm was done before she came into your sister’s life, and your sister’s only clear fault is that she was unable to deal with it, which is something that I can surely understand.

Physical abuse cannot be condoned, of course. However, children with reactive attachment disorder are very good at making others believe that they are being abused even when they are not. I know that there were people in our church, in our nephew’s school, among the parents of his friends, and even within my own family, who sincerely believed that we were abusive parents. Our nephew was highly invested in giving that impression to people outside of the immediate family; and even within the family, as he triangulated between my wife and I, pitting me against her. Obviously, I am in no position to say that your sister did not abuse her adopted daughter, but I think that it’s fair to suppose that your niece is an expert at making others believe things that did not occur.

The flip side of this is that these kids can be so infuriating that I can understand – although not condone – the emotional nightmare that might lead to physical abuse by a frustrated parent who has taken more than she can endure. This is another reason to utilize the expertise of an experienced attachment therapist, as the better therapists will provide support for the parent as well as therapy for the child. There are also support groups in many parts of the country which can be helpful, and an online forum that my wife and I started many years ago. The Delphiforum is now hosted by other capable people, but I remain active there from time to time.

Your niece can heal. At the age of seventeen however, she is going to have to reach a point in her life where she wants more for herself. She very likely realizes that she is not like everyone else. Strictly speaking, reactive attachment disorder is a disorder of childhood, yet unhealed adults will continue to suffer from treatable attachment issues, which have shown some success when available and taken advantage of.

But you’re not going to be able to do it for her, or even mandate it. The best that you might be able to do is to make it available.

Without legal guardianship, I don’t know what power you might have over your niece. Even with it, your influence is limited by her own perceptions at her age. You were right to treat her as a normal teenager so long as she is acting like a normal teenager, and to withdraw these privileges when she is not. That’s an important part of learning to live in the real world, one that she will soon be entering, for better or for worse.

She is using the idea of going back to her mom’s as a means of limiting your power over her even further and, in all truthfulness, if her mother would take her back there wouldn’t be anything that you could do about it. After significant gains had been made in his treatment, our nephew’s mother inserted herself into the situation again, giving him that power over us – that if we didn’t allow one thing or another, he would go back to live with his mother. We finally had to call him on it, although we hated to do so, and his mother abandoned him after a few months.

Legally and ethically, your sister does have an obligation to her adopted daughter. Calling her on it though, will probably result in her taking her daughter back to live with her, or making other arrangements.

For years, our nephew’s mother was collecting social security payments for her son while he was living with us. While we were financially able to do so, we didn’t concern ourselves with that. But as our income diminished, in part because our efforts for our nephew were taken from the time that we would have otherwise put into our own business, we sought to collect that money. The Social Security Administration ruled in our favor, ordering her to repay the money that she had collected, but that began her efforts to regain custody of her son, which led to an interruption in the progress that he had been making.

As for educational materials relating to attachment parenting, much of what has been published is intended for younger children. I would refer you to Dr. Dan Hughes, who once lived not terribly far from us in Maine, but now resides in Pennsylvania. You should be able to find some information on his web site. He has also published some books and a DVD on the subject, which you can find on his site or in my book section.

Looking through my book section, you’ll find dozens of other books. I can’t think of anything offhand that would be perfect for your situation, but then I haven’t read all of them myself. Nancy Thomas is an experienced therapeutic and attachment parent who has written some excellent books on the subject, which you will also find in my book section. Her experience includes many older children, but her methods require a certain degree of power over the child that you may not have.

Please look through these sections and if you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to ask. I don’t have all the answers but I do try.

– ken

I see that you list several blogs and web sites in the left margin of your own blog, and I was wondering how you decide which to link to. Are these the best that you can find? Are they ones that link to your site? Do you accept payment for linking to a site?

Mike

First and foremost, every site or blog that I link to here is there because I considered it to be authoritative, useful, or worth reading, but not necessarily all three of these.

RadKid.Org exists as an avenue of self-education and support primarily for parents of children with reactive attachment disorder, although I try to add things that might be of interest to others as well, including therapists, educators, and even adults who have suffered from attachment disorder as a child.

Although I try to ensure that the information I provide is accurate, I am not a mental health professional, but a well-read layperson who has parented a child with reactive attachment disorder for several years.

The web sites that I link to from this blog are ones that I thought would serve the needs of many of my readers. None of these web site owners have paid me to list their site on this blog, nor has there been any deals relating to mutual linking of sites, although I certainly appreciate it when someone finds my web site, blog, or directory useful enough to link to it, as I would hope that they appreciate it when I link to theirs.

This list is not intended to be comprehensive, as the margins of a blog are not large enough to list every useful and informative site dealing with the subject of reactive attachment disorder, this being a project more suited for the RadKid Directory. Over time, I’ll probably add other sites to the list and I may remove some of the ones that are there now.

The blogs that I have added to my blogroll are also ones that I thought my readers might be interested in. Most of them are maintained, not by mental health professionals, but by parents who are struggling to raise a child or children with reactive attachment disorder. Sometimes, it helps to know that you are not alone because, to a parent of a child with attachment disorder, it too often feels that way.

When I started my blog last month, I added links to a few of the blogs that I was already aware of, some because they had linked to my web site, but the primary reason why they were selected was because I thought that my readers might find them interesting.

No one has paid me to list either their web site or their blog from here, or from the RadKid.Org site. Our new RadKid.Org Directory accepts payment for listing but a site can be listed for a dollar, a model that I have adopted, not as a moneymaking opportunity but as a way in which site owners could be responsible for keeping their own listings current without my having to deal with the overload of spam that would surely follow a free listing. Anyone who doesn’t want to pay a dollar to have their site listed can send the link to me and I’ll add it for free if it’s relevant to reactive attachment disorder, but I’d much rather they maintain their own listings, as I don’t have the time to do so.

I hope that answers your questions, Mike.

– ken